1. |
the Duck is dead!
01:29
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i never really payed that much attention to my own arms
until i heard the sound of bones being crushed by the weight of a burden too heavy
and i never really payed attention to my own hands until people let them go before i was ready
i've always thought too much about the state of my own existence, i'm coming to terms with the knowledge that there is not much that i know.
i never really payed attention to roadkill until you died and we were on the way home.
i don't know how many squirrels i've seen lying in the road these past several nights,
i do not know why all the raccoons are committing suicide.
all i know is this sad, sad feeling in my stomach and i wanna be by your side.
i wonder who will be at my side when i die
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2. |
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there are houses on hills
i see them every time i cross from Wisconsin into Illinois,
and i think to myself, i wanna live there.
but then i think of how my house could fall.
there are blue, blue houses and i'm too sad for them all
i saw the prettiest yellow house
i wonder what the colors of the walls are inside.
there are fields with blurs of yellow i see through the window of this car,
reminds me of the flowers i used to bring to my mom, pick them on my way home from school
the same way i used to pick at my skin
and then,
my mom would say "these aren't flowers, they are weeds. but thank you, anyway."
she'd say "but thank you anyway"
but anyway, i didn't understand the difference
they looked beautiful to me, that is all that matters
i wish that was all that mattered to me.
there are blue, blue houses and i'm too sad for them all
i saw the prettiest yellow house
i wonder what the colors of the walls are inside.
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3. |
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gin and newspaper clippings,
your photo album on the table.
i'm not sure i am able to think clearly at the moment, you've spoken many words to me
but right now all that i can think of- the sound of Everybody Loves Raymond on your tv.
the way you'd say "God bless you, dear" as i kissed your cheek,
"be kind to your parents, you are lucky that you have them," you said, "the world has gone to shit."
but i think the world is lucky that you were a part of it.
you filled your glass part way several times with alcohol, saying it's ok because the glass was never full,
i remember filling my glass with water in the kitchen of your old house- the one with the basement- before i'd go to sleep.
i think the insignificant is the most significant to me.
a few years ago, your heart failed. and all you saw was red.
that really scared me, i'm sorry i am sorry i don't know how to deal with the concept of death.
and at your funeral there will be people i have never met. everyone is living, everyone is experiencing life in a way i'll never understand.
and when they're gone, the whole world won't know the difference.
you're gone, the whole world doesn't know the difference. but i do.
and so does my dad, you are his dad.
and so does my grandma, she was beside you. whispered "i love you, i love you"
why do those words make me sad?
i wish i would have called you, my aunt called me
she told me
heaven is real, i feel it all the time.
i hope my little brother is not ashamed to cry.
i am thinking of a story my dad told me once, and he was drunk,
and you helped him inside.
and he said, "gee bern, you're a great guy."
i am thinking, i am thinking of how everyone i know is going to die,
and so will i, i don't think the world will know the difference.
i know i don't understand and i'm trying to be ok with that,
am i getting sadder? is this getting sadder? it doesn't matter unless it matters to you.
i ask you if you think there is life after death,
you say "i do, i do, i do"
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five nine three Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
June 2015 - 2017
new music will be posted under the name mary is
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