1. |
sorry i missed ur call
02:34
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why does nothing make sense??
why does everybody leave??
maybe it's because i let them go so easily,
and everyone says there is a reason,
that they were here to teach me something. but i haven't found a single answer.
i hear your mother died of cancer, and his brother lost at sea. another car crash screams disaster, your cousin a pile of debris.
and these images make me shiver, but at the same time
i am not sure that they make me feel much of anything.
maybe i only feel something because i'm supposed to.
so far, my life has been lacking in tragedy.
and i know i should feel grateful, but instead I'm only waiting.
no one has left me in the way that a thunderstorm does, they only show up less and less until they turn to dust.
and maybe i am angry at the people who have stayed with me, because i expect them one day to go.
or maybe i just don't think they're good enough, and that's selfish and i know
i don't really mean it. i'm just scared and i'm always alone. and i know that i don't have to feel this way, i guess it's just the way that i chose.
i'm angry because it's stupid i just don't know how to stop. i think i'll end up another tragedy and that really takes a lot
of nerve to say. because i think of all the stories i'm told and i know it's not desirable, but i think it's how i'll go. i don't think i'll bring it upon myself unless i lose control
it's just this feeling that seeps in sometimes and it creeps down to my bones.
i see myself in nightmares and in the poems that i write, i see myself in all of them
but i choose to close my eyes
and now i'm sitting here on my bed again, i want to get the words down right
but it never makes sense. maybe it's the aching in my wrist or the heavy sadness in my chest,
but if all my life has been filled with shaking hands and quiet goodbyes
i am scared of what comes next.
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2. |
that's too many goldfish
03:22
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wanna kill myself on the night before my first day of college, it's the night before my first day of college
i'll never measure up. i don't wanna die because i am scared, but i am more afraid of a life that would be better spent rotting underground.
last night, eating goldfish in a pitch black room till the whole bag was gone.
i'll cry tonight, and tomorrow i will carry a bag that will fuck my back up beyond repair.
a few minutes ago, in the bathroom, i was looking for my face wash and i swear it wasn't there.
but then i went to get a wash cloth and i turned around to find it by my toothbrush, and that made me cry some more.
the lights were hanging on my dresser and now they're on the floor,
goodnight to every friend i almost called tonight, i really would've liked to hear your voice tell me i'm not going to die.
maybe tonight i'll dream another vague odyssey, and i'll wake up with a tired and vacant memory.
i'll go to class, i'll pretend i'm invested in education. but i know nothing of dedication, i'll disappoint them all again.
spend another night staring at my walls and eating goldfish, complain about my problems and then i'll invent some more. like how i wanna kill myself before my first day of college, when i am lucky enough to be saying tomorrow is my first day of college. it's selfish to dread,
getting out of bed. i'm sorry for every word that i just wrote.
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3. |
i don't miss november
01:26
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i remember staring at my reflection and waiting for it to look back at me
but i am vacant
there is an absence i just can't explain
these are the words i wrote on the night i had a mental breakdown in the bathroom, the first time and definitely not the last
words i wrote in november no longer seem sincere
three months, it will be november i hope you don't leave me here
i like the way we slump our shoulders the same,
you speak to me as i fall asleep and your silence is the silence that comforts me
you touch my hand and i stay still.
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five nine three Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
June 2015 - 2017
new music will be posted under the name mary is
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